I Did. I Didn’t Want To

Homesick like the first week of vacation

Reality eludes me again

A nightmare that won’t let you come home

It’s not a vacation.

To train against a recoiled amygdala

I obscure my thoughts in water

If I can’t see you then I won’t remember

You’re here no longer.

Your smile, your feet, your breasts, your teeth

Unhinge my hippocampus

As they reflect back at me.

A month from now, ten years from then

If no one knows then it never happened

Will it all mend if I just pretend?

Facebook is celebrating 6 years we’ve been friends.

No more Hey Baby transmits to

Dance with my ear drum

No more melodic laughter that

Subdues my instinct to stay numb.

You were a fighter who fought

Even after you’ve won

I didn’t realize how close the finish line got.

The plan we had to see whales in the Pacific

Now doesn’t seem like much

I’m content to know your journey here goes no further

Because this world here sucks.

On the day the times changed I told you,

I love you, see you when I come back

Caressed your salt and pepper hair and

Kissed your warm cheeks.

On the first day of Spring I told you,

I will always love you

Caressed your soft woolly hair, and

Kissed your cold cheeks.

I did, but I didn’t want to—say goodbye.